Amidst The Chaos | TToT #18

I have found myself unable to write for quite some time now.  It’s true, I have been very busy and that has been my main “excuse,” but the few times I have tried to write something words have not come to me as they used to.  It is disheartening for a girl whose words have always been her salvation.  I feel like a stranger sitting here at my keyboard today.  At least my fingers still remember where the letters are, and thus begins my Ten Things of Thankful.

I’ve struggled to see light through the chaos in these past three months.  In August I started an accelerated vocational program to become a certified medical assistant.  A program which normally takes two years jammed into five months, it is both a blessing and a curse.  It is an opportunity for which I am grateful, it will give me the education and skills needed to rejoin the workforce sooner than later.  However, the workload has had me stretched and stressed to limits I did not know I could reach.

My life has changed in every way possible.  I have, for all intents and purposes, abandoned my blog – unintentionally, of course.  I simply do not have the time or brain capacity to write, all of my energy is consumed by reading textbooks and studying for weekly quizzes.  I fear I’ve been forgotten by the blogosphere, though many have extended their love and support of my current venture and for that, I am most thankful.  Additionally, my test scores have reflected my hard work (mostly) even when I was sure I would fail.  I am maintaining an A in my class which I am truly proud of and thankful for.

I have accomplished things I never imagined myself doing, nor have I ever wanted to do!  I am learning phlebotomy and have now successfully drawn blood from six of my classmates.  Which, let me tell you, has been an enormous battle of overcoming my anxiety each and every time.  Inserting a needle into someone’s arm is scary, even with the guidance of my experienced and amazing teacher.  It is still not something I enjoy doing but there is a huge sense of accomplishment in overcoming my fear and doing the damn thing!  Tears have been shed uncontrollably out of pure anxiety, but thankfully I have kind classmates who have not teased me or been otherwise cruel about it.

Our class has been helping The Health Department in our county do health screenings at the local elementary schools, testing the kids BMI, eyesight, and hearing.  This has been a challenging experience dealing with so many children and trying to keep the process running in a timely and smooth manner, but also rewarding knowing we are helping kids who may otherwise not receive it.  My gender has been questioned twice by kids, whether I am a boy or girl, I suppose because of my haircut.  Kids certainly have no filter!  These health screenings have been both rewarding, as I mentioned, and excellent birth control!!

For the few friends whom I speak to on a daily, or at least regular basis, I am so very thankful.  They are very few lately due to time and energy constraints.  I am not on social media like I once was and therefore not interacting with many people like I once did.  It makes the few close connections that remain that much more precious.  Especially when they’re able to put up with my mood swings and anxieties.  They know who they are ❤

I am eternally grateful for my husband, who has borne the brunt of this difficult time.  My anxiety has been extreme, to say the least.  I have had meltdown after meltdown convinced I could not persevere.  Day to day he can never be sure what my mood will be or how I will handle the latest stressor, and yet he stands by my side.  I am amazed by the amount of love he must have for me to withstand it all.  Aside from the fact that all I do anymore is eat, sleep, go to school, study, and repeat.  There is no “fun” remaining in my life at the moment.  I don’t give him the attention he deserves.  I don’t give our relationship, in general, the attention it deserves.  But I suppose he understands that this is all in an effort to better our future.  I am thankful.

I do not know when I will have the time or energy to write my next TToT, I would like to say next week and be sure of it but I can’t.  To be honest, I am pleased and thankful to have gotten this one written!  I have missed the connections I had made here and have tried ignoring the guilt of not participating as of late.  I know this is a guilt-free hop but I can’t help those creeping feelings of abandoning my tribe!  Be well, my friends, and I will be back again when I can ❤

XO

#10Thankful

Thankful It’s OVER | TToT #17

Let me start by saying I am most grateful that this week is OVER.  It has been a whirlwind of emotions and activity, most of which was overstimulating and overwhelming.  BUT, it ended in the most wondrous way and for that I am also very thankful.
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Fighter | TToT #16

Settling into a quiet Saturday after a very busy week, my mind is aflutter and I can’t quite concentrate my thoughts.  I fear this space wherein I rarely show my face anymore, also known as my blog, is collecting dust and my words are becoming meaningless.  The flow I had become accustomed to is no longer flowing but instead withering in a mind that doesn’t play fairly.   Continue reading

Gratitude – Survival Mode | TToT #15

Gratitude-Survival-Mode

Gratitude-Survival-Mode

  1. Housing

2. Food

3. Clothes

4. Husband

5. Family

6. Friends

7. & 8. Disability > Services

9. School

10. Surviving

BlogSister | TToT #13 & 14

So much to be thankful for and such fleeting feelings of gratitude.  I have everything I need in life and most of what I want, yet uncertainty fills my mind with unease and poisons positivity.  Many days I find myself wandering around the house without direction or purpose.  I feel confused and useless, it’s reminiscent of depression but I have to remind myself it’s NOT depression.  There is a difference, though it can be hard to compartmentalize when all you have is time to mull it over and over and over again.   Continue reading

Getting Better | TToT #12

As the plane drove upwards gravity pushed my back against the seat and I amusedly thought to myself, “My body will finally be as high as my anxiety has been the last two weeks…”  It was a random thought, yet more random was the feeling of tranquility that washed over me the higher the plane rose in the sky.  As though merging the height of my body with the metaphorical height of my anxiety actually made some kind of difference in how I felt.  I was grateful nonetheless.   Continue reading

With A Little Help From My Friends | TToT #11

I feel so fortunate as I sit here and tap these keys today.  I am surrounded by loving and supportive people, whether they are near or far in physical distance, I am constantly reminded of their presence.

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Silent Sunday – Mother’s Day Edition – TToT #11

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From House to Home | TToT #10

This week has been very productive.  Now that I am spending so much time at home – being unemployed and all – it’s as though I can’t stop myself from doing things around the house.  Don’t get me wrong, these things have been desperately needing to be done for months, if not years – yes, probably years.  

House to Home

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Breaking The Rules | TToT #9

Breaking The Rules

I’m breaking all of the ‘traditional’ rules today, my fellow TToT friends, and invoking the Secret Book of Rules (aka the Book of Secret Rules).  I don’t know which number this rule is that I am invoking but that is beyond the point.  I am not going to post ten thankfuls today *gasp* the horror, I know, even though I could easily come up with ten.  Some weeks there are certain things that I am so thankful for they are worth far more than twenty different thankfuls would be combined.  This is one of those weeks.  So enough dilly-dallying around, let us get to the good stuff!

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