Questions

There used to be a fire that burned deep inside me.  The flames fueled my need to write about my life and struggles with depression and anxiety, to connect with other people who may be experiencing something similar, or educate those who were interesting in learning more about such things.  

I feel empty and lost without the fire, I have been completely uninspired.  I’m not sure what has changed.  In general, I am at a loss for words and feel like I have nothing of interest or importance to share.  It could be depression shouting words of discouragement at me, and it could be anxiety doing the same – the two working in unison to keep me silent.

Being stuck in darkness is something I am quite familiar with, depression will do that to you.  Writing was always my outlet and now I find myself isolating further and further into the silence.  I want to reach out but I am fearful, though I am not sure what I am afraid of.  Perhaps it is simply the fear that my words really are meaningless.  I have lost interest in many things I was once passionate about and I believed it was due to the medication I have been taking to treat my disease.  But what if I am just not interesting anymore?  People change and maybe I have changed into this person I don’t recognize.  Do I move on and move forward?  Do I fight for the person I thought I was?

I used to know when depression had its claws in me.  Now I’m not so sure.  I am functioning in my daily life, holding down a full-time job, getting along great with my husband.  Yet being creative has always been a huge part of my identity and I don’t feel whole without it.  All I know right now is that I don’t have any answers… yet.

 

Opinions, suggestions, insights always welcome!      

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21 thoughts on “Questions

  1. It is so confusing. You can have mental illness on and off for years and still not always be certain when it’s here or you’re just having a few off days. Mental illness is so deceiving. Here’s the truth, you write so beautifully and honestly, even when you don’t think you can. I know how this feels my friend. I battle with formulating sentenced all the time. People don’t know this because all they see is the finished product not the internal battle that took place to get there.

    I’ve missed your writing. I’m not stating that to put you under pressure to produce more. Do what you can when you can. I just want you to know that your writing is always appreciated by me and i am sure, many others.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “Do I fight for the person I thought I was?”
    What an excellent description of one possessed of the double-edged gift of perspective! Not such a large percentage of the general population have the capability to see themselves ‘from a distance’.
    It is a good thing and it is a terrible thing. Good because we can accept things about ourselves and terrible because we can remember how we felt at different (past) times in our lives.
    You know, that fighting for the person you were? Maybe you won. (At least the battle that you were confronting at the time).
    Watch as the Comments come in (to this post) you will see a person reflected (in the writing) of person is both ‘the person you thought you were’ and a person who is more, stronger, further along in the path of development.
    Betcha you see something that you could write a post on! Ya know, fires burning are only one form of the energy within, sometimes the need to write can manifest as fun, or silly or daringly helpful.
    ya know.
    good post… I got something from writing this comment. thanks

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hang in there. I think we all go through stuff like this. I haven’t written since January 20th. It is scary when the words don’t come. I can feel words brewing and that is always comforting to me. Maybe try writing about things other than what you use to. Like your work, your life with you sweetie. Sometimes a writing exercise will get the juices flowing again. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’d say the worst thing for creativity is trying to force it. If it doesn’t come, it doesn’t come, but telling yourself “I must write. I must create” will probably just make your brain rebel against the command. I’d say, just try to set aside five or ten minutes a day or every other day and write down whatever words come into your head (or flip open a dictionary for a word), then maybe write something about what those words trigger – don’t think about it, just try to be spontaneous. You may find even writing just one nonsense sentence will feel good, and may re-ignite something. And if no words come, don’t force it, just doodle instead.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sometimes things just slow down. Life changes our ability to give time to certain things, and with taking on a new job, it’s only natural that you’d have less time for creative pursuits. Plus, there’s the whole just being tired from working all day, too.

    There’s also the possibility that your creativity is taking a bit of a breather because it’s going to morph into something else soon – sort of a cocooning period. Perhaps you will find new creativity in cooking, or painting, or gardening, or knitting, or heck, even making soap.

    Writing suited you and soothed you. Maybe your creativity is going through a growth spurt, just like you have. 🙂 Be patient. It’ll happen. And it’s totally okay, good even!, for your creativity to change and grow. 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Patience is not my strongest virtue 😉 But you’re right… I need to give myself a break, and time to adjust. You never know what life has in store for you! Thanks for the kind words of encouragement 💕

      Liked by 1 person

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