Amidst The Chaos | TToT #18

I have found myself unable to write for quite some time now.  It’s true, I have been very busy and that has been my main “excuse,” but the few times I have tried to write something words have not come to me as they used to.  It is disheartening for a girl whose words have always been her salvation.  I feel like a stranger sitting here at my keyboard today.  At least my fingers still remember where the letters are, and thus begins my Ten Things of Thankful.

I’ve struggled to see light through the chaos in these past three months.  In August I started an accelerated vocational program to become a certified medical assistant.  A program which normally takes two years jammed into five months, it is both a blessing and a curse.  It is an opportunity for which I am grateful, it will give me the education and skills needed to rejoin the workforce sooner than later.  However, the workload has had me stretched and stressed to limits I did not know I could reach.

My life has changed in every way possible.  I have, for all intents and purposes, abandoned my blog – unintentionally, of course.  I simply do not have the time or brain capacity to write, all of my energy is consumed by reading textbooks and studying for weekly quizzes.  I fear I’ve been forgotten by the blogosphere, though many have extended their love and support of my current venture and for that, I am most thankful.  Additionally, my test scores have reflected my hard work (mostly) even when I was sure I would fail.  I am maintaining an A in my class which I am truly proud of and thankful for.

I have accomplished things I never imagined myself doing, nor have I ever wanted to do!  I am learning phlebotomy and have now successfully drawn blood from six of my classmates.  Which, let me tell you, has been an enormous battle of overcoming my anxiety each and every time.  Inserting a needle into someone’s arm is scary, even with the guidance of my experienced and amazing teacher.  It is still not something I enjoy doing but there is a huge sense of accomplishment in overcoming my fear and doing the damn thing!  Tears have been shed uncontrollably out of pure anxiety, but thankfully I have kind classmates who have not teased me or been otherwise cruel about it.

Our class has been helping The Health Department in our county do health screenings at the local elementary schools, testing the kids BMI, eyesight, and hearing.  This has been a challenging experience dealing with so many children and trying to keep the process running in a timely and smooth manner, but also rewarding knowing we are helping kids who may otherwise not receive it.  My gender has been questioned twice by kids, whether I am a boy or girl, I suppose because of my haircut.  Kids certainly have no filter!  These health screenings have been both rewarding, as I mentioned, and excellent birth control!!

For the few friends whom I speak to on a daily, or at least regular basis, I am so very thankful.  They are very few lately due to time and energy constraints.  I am not on social media like I once was and therefore not interacting with many people like I once did.  It makes the few close connections that remain that much more precious.  Especially when they’re able to put up with my mood swings and anxieties.  They know who they are ❤

I am eternally grateful for my husband, who has borne the brunt of this difficult time.  My anxiety has been extreme, to say the least.  I have had meltdown after meltdown convinced I could not persevere.  Day to day he can never be sure what my mood will be or how I will handle the latest stressor, and yet he stands by my side.  I am amazed by the amount of love he must have for me to withstand it all.  Aside from the fact that all I do anymore is eat, sleep, go to school, study, and repeat.  There is no “fun” remaining in my life at the moment.  I don’t give him the attention he deserves.  I don’t give our relationship, in general, the attention it deserves.  But I suppose he understands that this is all in an effort to better our future.  I am thankful.

I do not know when I will have the time or energy to write my next TToT, I would like to say next week and be sure of it but I can’t.  To be honest, I am pleased and thankful to have gotten this one written!  I have missed the connections I had made here and have tried ignoring the guilt of not participating as of late.  I know this is a guilt-free hop but I can’t help those creeping feelings of abandoning my tribe!  Be well, my friends, and I will be back again when I can ❤

XO

#10Thankful

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22 thoughts on “Amidst The Chaos | TToT #18

  1. My friend, I get it. Congratulations on the wins – there are so many. Congratulations for writing this post – I know that struggle. I haven’t written anything outside blog posts for three months. I haven’t shown my husband the love he deserves and the wife he married. Your words hit very close to home. Thanks for writing this post. Every time I hear something from you I feel I’m not alone. Selfish maybe but know I’m thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Abbie, you warned us how busy you were going to be, so not to worry about random blogging. We won’t forget you. Your success in the school program is great to hear about and the lesson of being able to do and be more than you imagined may be the most lasting one. And much appreciation for your husband and how he supports you. There will be some demand for pictures of your graduation. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey, it looks like being a medical assistant is truly rewarding. Don’t worry about not always being here…..life happens, and we just have to flow along with it! Have a great week ahead.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi, Abbie. You efforts and energies in your new career will bring good things to your life. It’s good to see you back at the TToT. I’ve been absent a bit, too. I’m sure when you are finished with your coursework and into a routine, you’ll get back to blogging and connecting. In the mean time, try to keep your eyes on the prize and enjoy your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I appreciate the support 🙂 Thank you! I am hoping to get back to blogging after this course finishes, it’s nice to be back – even if it’s fleeting for the time being!

      Like

  5. Hi Abbie! I understand how you feel. I was also overwhelmed by obligations and it can be a hard thing to overcome. I am glad to hear you have a wonderful spouse who gets who you are and supports you. I wish you much success in your ventures!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. nah, no one forgets because this is the virtual world! time and persistence operate at a variable (and different) rate, here in the sphere… just click on a link and you can be anywhere at nearly anytime.
    imo, part of the benefit of the community in places like TToT-ville is the support for efforts that we all make in our lives in the ‘real’ world. There’s a certain timelessness to the ‘sphere that makes our absences less… permanent, if that makes any sense.
    Very cool with the A’s and such!
    This (blogosphere works as a place to recharge from the strains of our everyday efforts, in part because it’s never, never land in here… which is as it should be. But no matter how difficult the real world, everyone will be here when you need the break to relax.)
    good schoolifying!*

    *not a ‘real’ word

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am just speechless at the enormity of what you have undertaken. Two years’ study crammed into 5 months?! Here’s to you! May you weather it well and come through better for having done it!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Sounds like some interesting work you’re doing, in and amongst the endless textbook reading. Needles are no fun to give or to get, but some things, like studying, can be necessary. The amount of time you are getting this education in is pretty amazing though. I wouldn’t have time for any other writing either. Keep up the excellent work.

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  9. I know just where you’re coming from and remember well my years of accelerated college while working full time in an effort to move to a new career, then accelerated grad school while caring for an infant, working full time, AND with a new RA diagnosis. (What the HELL was I thinking??) So I know those feelings you describe and I also know that you should be damn proud of yourself and that the rewards you will reap will be beyond measure. Hooray for you! So exciting! The meltdowns are part of the process, I suppose (at least for me), but having your awesome hub around to support you is gold. So happy for you!
    Drawing blood? Eew eew eew how scary! But I’m thoroughly impressed!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, Lisa, however did you do all that?!! You are definitely an inspiration! Thanks so much for the support and encouragement, this has definitely been a wild ride and it’s not over yet!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Haha – the answer, Abbie, is that I have absolutely no idea! I still say that if I had stopped to consider whether any of that was feasible, the answer would’ve been “hell no” and I would’ve quit. So I didn’t stop to ask. Wild rides are the best ones, I think, so buckle up and enjoy the heck out of yours!

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  10. Sounds like a hard road right now and maybe giving a few things you adore, but I do hope you find the effort and challenge rewarding (and the end results too!). Don’t beat yourself up too much over not blogging…it’ll just make us more eager to hear from you when you do get a chance to type at us! Good luck and hang in there, girl!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Oh, oh, oh! I relate to this so hard…
    I conquered some major anxiety in a phlebotomy class, too! My poor instructor was my first draw, and my hands were so shaky I wasn’t sure if I would even get the needle in the vein. (I did, thank goodness.)
    Congratulations! I know how stressful it can be.

    Liked by 1 person

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