If We Were Meeting For Drinks

If-We-Were-Meeting-For-DrinksIf we were meeting for drinks I’d order a shot of tequila and a Corona, then I’d look at you and say, “Trust me, I’ve earned it.”  After the waiter took both of our orders I would promise I won’t have any more shots because yes, I know liquor doesn’t sit well with my meds.  

If we were meeting for drinks you would probably see the stress written all over my face, you might even see it spill down my face as tears leaked from my eyes without my consent.  Since we haven’t talked in quite a while I’d tell you I recently started an accelerated program to get certified as a medical assistant, and like everybody else in my life you would probably congratulate me and tell me that you’re proud of me.  In response, I would probably cry harder.  I would tell you that I feel like I am drowning and I am completely overwhelmed.  I’d tell you I take pride in being a good student but this is all moving so quickly I don’t have time to absorb any of it.  I am terrified I will do poorly or worse, fail entirely.  Before you respond to that I’d ask that you not try to encourage me, like everyone else, because that really doesn’t make me feel better or more confident about my situation.  Rather, it makes me feel like nobody hears me, as though my feelings are invalid and worthless.

If we were meeting for drinks I’d tell you that the depression has crept back in.  It started around the edges, I wasn’t even sure it was depression at first and tried convincing myself it couldn’t be.  It seems like I just came out of my last major episode.  Alas, there’s no denying it anymore.  You would probably have that sad look on your face, the one that says you don’t know what to say because nobody ever really does, and maybe that’s because there isn’t really anything that can be said.  Depression just is what it is.  When it decides to cloud my brain with darkness there’s very little that can be said or done to stop it.  I might even laugh at this point because why not?!  Well, that and the tequila has probably gone to my head a little by now.  I’ve been through this so many times, when can I throw my hands in the air and say enough is enough?!!  You would probably tell me I never get to say that, that I always have to hold on and trudge through it.  You would remind me that I always get to the other side, that there always is another side – a side where there is light rather than darkness.  You don’t actually have to remind me, I’ve been here a time or two, you know, but that seems to be the common response.  

If we were meeting for drinks I’d tell you that I know I sound like a broken record.  I know this all sounds familiar, I know I’m not the only person in the world with problems, and I know I will most likely get through all of this.  But I’d also tell you that I don’t care about any of that because it doesn’t change how I feel in this moment and my feelings are valid.  Hopefully, if we were meeting for drinks, you would agree that how I feel matters even if I’ve felt this way a million times before.  Because being able to talk about my feelings with someone who is listening and hearing me actually does help.

If we were meeting for drinks I would thank you for the gift of your friendship and being there for me when I’m really down and out.  I would let you know how much I appreciate you and our time together because I know your time is precious.  And after I got all that off my chest, I’d beg you to catch me up on all that is going on with you.  I’d tell you I feel like a horrible and selfish friend for talking about myself so much, now it’s your turn…

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27 thoughts on “If We Were Meeting For Drinks

  1. If we were meeting for drinks, especially in the mugginess of an August afternoon in Florida, that order of drinks would sound pretty good. Having listened and agreed that your feelings are valid, I would say, as to what’s going on with me, not a whole lot – still slacking on writing – getting closer to getting the house on the market (showing is a pain in the backside, and actually moving too) – reading my friends online – that sort of thing. I do hope that dakness turns around to light soon.

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  2. I know what you mean about taking on the pressure and all the responsibility of courses. I thought about going back to school many times, but then my doubt creeps in and it tells me I couldn’t handle that. I would fail. So I don’t even try. I know what you mean also about meds and alcohol. I’m here drinking beer tonight by myself. I don’t let it get out of hand though, because I’ve read the medication bottles

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  3. I’ll have a rum and coke, or maybe three fingers of Glen Fiddich, or maybe a margarita… They all sound pretty good.
    Not much to catch you up on. Work. Olympics. Toddler. Life. Some writing here and there. Not enough sleep. And that’s about it.

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    • I’d have to ask you to catch me up on the Olympics as we don’t have cable. I’d want to know all about the 100m race because that’s what I ran in high school and I know that Bolt guy is supposed to be the fastest guy in the world these days. I’d also want to hear toddler stories because who wouldn’t?!

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  4. If we were meeting for drinks, I’d probably just have coffee, since I don’t drink, but at least I could be the designated driver after we drowned out our sorrows in tears and compromise. (the compromises we make to get through the day – sometimes I seem to have my own vocabulary.)

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  5. These are wonderful words. Thanks for sharing.
    It’s good to catch up and hear how you are, however you may be. I hear you and acknowledge all those valid feelings. I enjoyed my Tequila shot as well, so tempted to have another. xx

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  6. If we were meeting for drinks, I’d nod and say ‘I get it, thanks for saying it, this is truly crap.’ Then I’d sit next to you in companionable silence, knowing that thousands of words cannot make this better, but ready to hear your voice.

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  7. Oh, man, let’s meet for a walk instead! I’d want to tell you you’re not alone and that depression creeps in for me, too. The best thing I can say is that self care is not a luxury. Darn it all: I SO want self care to be something I choose when I want, not something I have to do. But for me, all the things they say to do really make a difference: take breaks when you need them, exercise, eat better, sleep, let yourself feel what you feel, and reach out out to others. I know, it all sounds preachy, blech. But for me these things help. But most of all, forgive yourself for not being perfect and know that fluctuations come and go.

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  8. If we were meeting for drinks, I’d have rose wine (because it tastes nice, gets me squiffy quick, but doesn’t leave me with a headache) in a BIIIIIG glass, and I’d want to hug you and tell you it’s completely explainable that you feel so crappy about everything at the moment, and it’s okay to feel it all, and okay to wish things were different. *I* wish they were different for you as well, and I know the start of a new course is INSANE. I’m kind of apprehensive about mine, when it starts, because I’ve looked ahead at the syllabus and even though I REALLY want this, part of me baulked a bit.

    If we were meeting for drinks, I would hope we would talk and talk and talk, and maybe go for a wobbly walk on the beach after, and probably trip over and laugh lots, in that silly way because who cares any more and you’re tipsy. And depending, I might tell you secrets, if I was drunk enough.

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  9. If we were meeting for drinks, I would listen to you tell me how you’re feeling, and agree with probably all of what you were saying. Absolutely it’s overwhelming to start a new course and it’s scary because it signifies a life change and sure that can be kind of depressing. I’d give your hand a squeeze, and hand you some tissue, and probably cry with you a bit. Then we’d laugh at what a mess we were. What’s going with me? I’m sharing drinks with a friend. 😀 *hugs*

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  10. I know I’m late reading and responding to this, but I want you to know that I hear you and that your feelings and lived experiences are completely valid. Sometimes people forget that they don’t need to, and aren’t being asked to, fix everything for everyone else, that most people just want to be heard. I truly do hope that things become way less overwhelming very soon. (((HUGS)))

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