She Wants To Believe

She-Wants-To-Believe

She’s a fighter, they say, been on the front lines in the battles against her own mind for many years.  She’s been fortunate despite her illness, though, comes from a loving and supportive family.  They say she’s better now, the depression is under control and she’s on the right track.  They all talk about how much she’s grown and the things she’s accomplished in recent years.  She thinks it’s nice they’re proud of her.  

She’s gotten better at presenting well and hiding her emotions, most of the time.  She will tell you she is better at managing her emotions, most of the time she is.  She still feels it gnawing at the edges of her sanity, an inexplicable fear and sadness scratching her smooth surface.  She’s sure you can see it if you look into her eyes, but she’s not sure anyone is looking closely enough.  They see what they want to see, she tries to feel what they want her to feel – she wants to feel it, too.

She tries to tell them she doesn’t feel right, that the edges are crumbling and the walls are closing in.  They tell her she’s fine, this is what real life feels like.  She questions herself and she questions them; after all, real life to her is different than real life to them.  She wonders if feeling nothing and fearing everything is what real life is supposed to be like.  They say to stay the course.  They tell her to hold on and she’ll make it – welcome to the real world.

She wants to believe she can be free from the traps her mind sets so cleverly.  She wants to be sure she’s not slipping back into the depths of depression’s grasp.  She struggles to see clearly; feels weighted down, lethargic, and often teary.  Uninspired, disenchanted, and restless, the days drag by endlessly.  She uses all strategies in combating these unwelcome symptoms of her disease.  She is a fighter, she refuses to let this battle be her defeat.

They say she’s better now, they say the depression is at bay.  She says it depends on how you measure what ‘better’ is.  She’ll tell you she’s fought enough to know she’s stronger now, but the depression is never far enough away.  She’s learned the hard way that they don’t understand the intensity of her feelings and that’s okay.  They love her, she thinks it’s nice they want her to be happy – even if they don’t look too closely.     

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16 thoughts on “She Wants To Believe

  1. Beautifully put into words. Concealing your true feelings can be tiring and unsettling as well as frustrating. I trust that you have some good friends to be able to let the guard down and relax a bit more with, even if it is a virtual connection 😉 Progress is good. Hold onto those comforts XX

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