Fighter | TToT #16

Settling into a quiet Saturday after a very busy week, my mind is aflutter and I can’t quite concentrate my thoughts.  I fear this space wherein I rarely show my face anymore, also known as my blog, is collecting dust and my words are becoming meaningless.  The flow I had become accustomed to is no longer flowing but instead withering in a mind that doesn’t play fairly.  

I feel disconnected from the things for which I am grateful and therefore fraudulent in stating said gratitude.  My throat tightens as tears well in my eyes from overwhelming emotions of not understanding – and yet, a glimmer of understanding – where all of this is coming from.  I realize that makes little sense and hope you realize this is an untangling of a twisted mind that, like I said, doesn’t play fairly.  

I am a fighter.  Every day I am fighting my depression and anxiety, it is a raging battle.  I often hear, “But I thought the meds were working?”  The meds are doing their part as best they can but you must understand that meds don’t fix life circumstances.  They also don’t fix ingrained pathologies learned over many years such as self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness.  We all have demons, mine are more than just chemical.  Yet I am a fighter and I am getting better at using coping techniques when life (or my brain) is unkind to me.

Fighter-TToT-16

In discussing my lack of creative output with a friend, we decided to enact a daily awareness exercise.  Each day for a week we write something – anything – about our day and email it to each other.  We did not want to create pressure on either of us and decided it could be a photo with just a few words, a poem, an essay, or whatever we are inspired to create as long as it is in regards to something we noticed throughout the day.  They are things we could expand on in the future, or not, and perhaps even post on our respective blogs if we so choose.  It has been a good reconnect with my friend as well as helping me touch base with a little creativity in my day-to-day.

Time with family.  I got to spend a few too-short days with my mom, my sister, and my niece.  I only see my family about twice a year so it is time that I treasure.  My mom flew down for my niece’s fourth birthday; I can hardly believe that precious child is already four years old!  I must say, my favorite thing she says (and she has a lot to say these days) is, “Guess what, Aunt Abbie – I love you!”  I’m pretty sure her smile could light up the darkest of nights, and possibly my darkest days.  

My mother might be the most generous person I’ve ever known.  I miss her every day we are apart.  Being able to spend this time with her was priceless and it was really hard when she had to go.  She spoils us rotten and I know how hard she works year round so she’s able to do so, but that’s only a small part of what makes her so generous.  My mother makes sure we never doubt how much she loves us, she is always supportive and encouraging in all our endeavors.  She is simply a kind and wonderful person through and through.

Life has been challenging in my world, and the world in general, for a long time now.  Battles are raging literally and figuratively everywhere.  I certainly don’t have answers for the world’s problems, and I’m not sure I have any answers for my own, but I won’t give up.  It has been hard on my husband and our relationship, but he is my best friend.  Some days it is hard for us to communicate, again with that mind of mine that doesn’t play fairly.  Luckily, the one thing I know that never wavers is our love for each other.  Without that, without him, I’m not sure I would be as brave.  I’m not sure I could fight as hard as I have to fight and I’m not sure I’d feel as though there is as much to fight for.  Thankfully, that’s one thing I don’t have to worry about.


Did you notice I put my gratefuls in bold?  Despite starting out feeling less-than, did you notice I ended up with more than ten things of thankful?!  Are there times when your mind doesn’t play fairly?  What are you thankful for this week?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!!

#10Thankful

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18 thoughts on “Fighter | TToT #16

  1. I hear you. I understand. Words are failing me more and more as I wait for the meds to do their thing and the side effects to lessen. Cannot do profound right now but can do ‘I relate’. Lovely post when you felt the words wouldn’t come. Depression and anxiety’s lies crushed, for now.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The mind not playing fairly is very familiar, both for good and ill. On the good side, are those moments of inspiration or strange associations that we know as creativity, or those bold faced items that simply appear in writing about seemingly ordinary events. The reminder that meds are not the whole answer is one many, both patients and doctors, need from time to time. Lovely post.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ya know, I hadn’t thought of my mind not playing fairly as a good thing but you’re right! Those moments of inspiration and creativity could be associated with that, as well 🙂 Thank you for pointing that out, Robert!!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Geez, you know how MY mind’s been this week, and gosh, I’m so so impressed with your list and all your thankfuls (SO many more than ten) and…the jellies fighting made me laugh – is it you and your brain? Anyway. I think you did a great job and the daily writing challenge will hopefully help you past the roadblocks in your mind and get your words flowing again 🙂 HUGE love to you ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’m glad you liked the jellies, hehe 🙂 They definitely represent me fighting with myself and being all tangled up in my mind! I did NOT do a good job with the daily writing challenge as I FORGOT to do it yesterday, grrrrr, so mad at myself!!! But thank you nonetheless for all of your love and encouragement and friendship ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m thankful to see you expressing yourself so well, despite how you have been feeling. I am thankful for last night, a fun outing to a few wine bars with the most excellent bunch of friends and some great conversations.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I had no experience with anxiety until menopause, and whoa-wee- man, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I love that your husband is by your side to help see you through. What a treasure.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I enjoyed this post. As Kristi says ‘another win for the TToT exercise’ I totally agree. Participation is the only requirement (and that can be a TToT list that states there is nothing that feels like gratitude. It is the sharing that matters.
    Speaking of sharing…. (uh oh! now it starts…. ) I have a personal belief about ‘writers block’ and that is, it is an over-amp internal critic, not a lack of ideas worth writing. When I think I have nothing to write, 9 times out of 10 that part of me is whispering, “Hey! thats not any good, they’ll laugh you out of blogbville if you write that.’ Your exchanges with your friend, brilliant idea… keeps the critic at bay, ’cause it’s just a couple of friends writing stuff.. nicely played!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Having accountability to another person is so helpful in getting something changed or just plain done. I’m glad you have someone to help you with your creativity.
    Marvelous that you were able to spend some time with your family. While I do get to see mine more than twice a year, each lives no closer than 2 hours away. We don’t spend nearly as much time together as I’d like.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ah the mind is a fickle thing, isn’t it? I love the exercise you’re doing with your friend and I hope that keeps the juices flowing and untangling. I love that you soldiered through here and ended up with so many beautiful things. Hang in there…keep fighting.

    Liked by 1 person

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