Settling into a quiet Saturday after a very busy week, my mind is aflutter and I can’t quite concentrate my thoughts. I fear this space wherein I rarely show my face anymore, also known as my blog, is collecting dust and my words are becoming meaningless. The flow I had become accustomed to is no longer flowing but instead withering in a mind that doesn’t play fairly.
I feel disconnected from the things for which I am grateful and therefore fraudulent in stating said gratitude. My throat tightens as tears well in my eyes from overwhelming emotions of not understanding – and yet, a glimmer of understanding – where all of this is coming from. I realize that makes little sense and hope you realize this is an untangling of a twisted mind that, like I said, doesn’t play fairly.
I am a fighter. Every day I am fighting my depression and anxiety, it is a raging battle. I often hear, “But I thought the meds were working?” The meds are doing their part as best they can but you must understand that meds don’t fix life circumstances. They also don’t fix ingrained pathologies learned over many years such as self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness. We all have demons, mine are more than just chemical. Yet I am a fighter and I am getting better at using coping techniques when life (or my brain) is unkind to me.
In discussing my lack of creative output with a friend, we decided to enact a daily awareness exercise. Each day for a week we write something – anything – about our day and email it to each other. We did not want to create pressure on either of us and decided it could be a photo with just a few words, a poem, an essay, or whatever we are inspired to create as long as it is in regards to something we noticed throughout the day. They are things we could expand on in the future, or not, and perhaps even post on our respective blogs if we so choose. It has been a good reconnect with my friend as well as helping me touch base with a little creativity in my day-to-day.
Time with family. I got to spend a few too-short days with my mom, my sister, and my niece. I only see my family about twice a year so it is time that I treasure. My mom flew down for my niece’s fourth birthday; I can hardly believe that precious child is already four years old! I must say, my favorite thing she says (and she has a lot to say these days) is, “Guess what, Aunt Abbie – I love you!” I’m pretty sure her smile could light up the darkest of nights, and possibly my darkest days.
My mother might be the most generous person I’ve ever known. I miss her every day we are apart. Being able to spend this time with her was priceless and it was really hard when she had to go. She spoils us rotten and I know how hard she works year round so she’s able to do so, but that’s only a small part of what makes her so generous. My mother makes sure we never doubt how much she loves us, she is always supportive and encouraging in all our endeavors. She is simply a kind and wonderful person through and through.
Life has been challenging in my world, and the world in general, for a long time now. Battles are raging literally and figuratively everywhere. I certainly don’t have answers for the world’s problems, and I’m not sure I have any answers for my own, but I won’t give up. It has been hard on my husband and our relationship, but he is my best friend. Some days it is hard for us to communicate, again with that mind of mine that doesn’t play fairly. Luckily, the one thing I know that never wavers is our love for each other. Without that, without him, I’m not sure I would be as brave. I’m not sure I could fight as hard as I have to fight and I’m not sure I’d feel as though there is as much to fight for. Thankfully, that’s one thing I don’t have to worry about.
Did you notice I put my gratefuls in bold? Despite starting out feeling less-than, did you notice I ended up with more than ten things of thankful?! Are there times when your mind doesn’t play fairly? What are you thankful for this week?
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!!