Trying To Get By – TToT #6

gratitude

It’s hard for me to show my face here after being away for so long.  You were all so generous in welcoming me to your group, and after my fifth TToT I disappeared.  I’m not one for excuses, but in all honesty, Gram’s death deeply affected me.  It seems things have steadily gone downhill since then, especially the state of my mental health.  

I find myself here today for the same reasons Lizzi started the TToT.  A huge part of me has lost the will to live, I have lost hope and I have lost all self-worth.  I may or may not reach ten, and I am certainly enacting special rules as to how far back in time I am reaching for these thankfuls, but alas, I am here.  

My husband is my lifeline.  He has stepped up in leaps and bounds to advocate for me, to protect me, to comfort me.  He is supportive and loving, despite the daily tears and having to constantly reassure me.

I am grateful that Gram passed peacefully.

I launched a new page on my blog, Depression: Catalyst for Change, which was received well.  It is my effort to promote education, awareness, fight stigmas and cultivate a compassionate community regarding mental illness and depression.  I’m thankful for the positive feedback.

My sister and brother-in-law tried very hard to get me into a treatment facility for my mental health.  It is certainly not their fault that Florida’s mental health care system is a nightmare.  Their love and support are cherished.  

I was honored to write a #BeReal guest post for HastyWords.  A warning for those who go to read it, it is about my depression and it is very raw and honest – not a heartwarming story.

Thanks to both Lizzi and Hasty for their kindness and support through this very trying time.

My parents, as always, have been as supportive as possible from 1500 miles away.  Some days there’s nothing I want more than to cry in my mother’s arms, unfortunately, that’s not possible right now.

My in-laws saved me from a crisis and my mother-in-law has done some research to help me since I lost my job.  I am grateful to them both.

Due to losing my job, my husband and I also lost our pre-approval for a mortgage loan.  They say, whoever the fuck ‘they’ are, that everything happens for a reason.  We never even got to look at one home.  I’m thankful we didn’t fall in love with a place only to have the funds ripped out from under us, because of me.

I am thankful to my old, stinky, grumpy dog for letting me cry into his fur every morning for the past few weeks.  Normally he won’t let me cuddle him at all.

TToT #10Thankful

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30 thoughts on “Trying To Get By – TToT #6

  1. I’m glad you’re back and sad you’ve been having such hard time. I know from previous posts what a special treasure person Gram was for you and your family. And yes, Hasty and Lizzi really are awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can always count on you to read my words and share your kind thoughts ☺️ thanks so much! I’m hoping to get back in the swing of things, but we’ll see how it goes…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. old, stinky, grumpy dog” they are the perfect life forms! They have that remarkable sensitivity to (our) emotional states and, best of all, what they do, they do because that’s how they are… the best example (imo) of un-conditional love.

    hey, you’re in luck! the Book of Secret Rules (aka the Secret Book of Rules) does in fact allow for absence after starting, provided it occurs after an odd number* And 5 does qualify.
    It is good to have the support of people around you, as there are times when it can make all the difference in maintaining (one’s) balance.

    One of the cool things about the TToT is that it is not a contest or a challenge, it’s a place, albeit virtual where people of like mind and good intent, congregate on a predictable basis.

    good post

    (Steven Wright joke: “In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.”)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love that your dog has let you cry on him. He must know you need it *HUGS*

    And I’m so glad Hasty and I have been able to support you – I know you’ve also been a massive support to me, and I’m so grateful for your friendship ❤

    LOVE that you were part of #BeReal. Truly. And SO so glad to hear your family near and far are pulling around you to support you and help to find ways forwards.

    Love you ❤

    P.S. This is a no-obligation hop – come and go as you please 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi my dear…thank you so much for having the courage to share what is happening with you, though its a very difficult time for you and your family. It is also wonderful that you can show gratitude and love too. Here are two poems I wrote that I want to share with you~Peace and Love to you****
    1. You Matter In The Big Scheme Of Things http://blog.inspiredbeacon.com/2015/12/31/you-matter-in-the-big-scheme-of-things/

    2. Some Days I’m Tapped Out Of My Mind http://blog.inspiredbeacon.com/2016/03/09/some-days-im-tapped-out-of-my-mind/

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Grief is a strange thing, but just as the TToT, there really aren’t any rules (notwithstanding the Secret Book of Rules/Book of Secret Rules.) I’m sorry things are difficult now. They will get better eventually, even if the timeline isn’t set in stone. In the meantime, remember to be gentle and kind to yourself. Thanks for linking up when you can! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry you have had such a rough time lately! I truly hope life starts treating you kindly and tenderly very soon.
    Don’t apologize for not participating in the TToT! But I hope your post this weekend will remind you that no matter how low you are, there are people out here in the blog world who care about you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m glad you are here and this is a step toward change. When we lose someone we love, our world is crumbled. And when you world is so fragile, it’s extra awful. I still miss my mom terribly after 8 years. And don’t get me started on the medical insurance industry. You have really suck-y things going o, and I’m glad you have the support of your in laws and your rock. Abbie, I’ll send all the positivity I am able your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m so sorry things have been so rough for your lately, your grandmother, your job, and home-dreams. Just one of those is enough to knock anyone down, and here you’ve been trying to carry more than a body should have to carry. Which really goes to show how strong you really are at the heart of it all.

    You’re in my thoughts and prayers, sweetie.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Strong is not how I would describe how I’ve handled things, but it’s nice to think others may see it that way. I feel bloodied and broken and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get up and fight again, I’m so tired. Thank you for your lovely thoughts of encouragement, they’re truly appreciated ☺️

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m sorry to hear it is such sadness that has kept you away. I’m not so sure about that “Everything happens for a reason” thing. Things happen for no good reason, but good things do come from the suffering and hardship that happens. For now, I’m glad you can see the good, especially the love and support surrounding you in these difficult days.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, I don’t really believe everything happens for a reason either. If that were true, somebody/something out there really hates me! It’s been very hard for me to see the positives and even harder to feel them, but I’m trying. Thank you for understanding and sharing your thoughts with me 🙂

      Like

    • Thanks, Pete… I’ve missed our chats, I’ve been so lost in the darkness, isolating myself. I’m trying to climb out but having a lot of trouble doing so 😕 Ill take all the love & hugs you can spare! xo

      Like

      • I’ve been lost also. Not as much in the darkness, more of an emotional tornado. Impatient for resolution, but just letting it carry me along somewhere while I have no energy to resist. You are always in my thoughts, with love xx

        Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, sometimes my pets are amazing at responding to my emotions.
      TToT is an intellectual exercise right now, the hope is if I can recognize what I should be thankful for I will start to feel more thankful as well.
      Thank you for your kindness, it’s truly appreciated.

      Liked by 1 person

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