Forgiveness

January first, a new year.  I have been watching this cursor blink for days, actually more like weeks.  All of the muscles from my fingertips to my brain waves are creaking and yawning as they’re stretched back into use.

 There’s hesitation with every word, trepidation in the unknowing of what’s coming next.  This state of limbo, a weary uncertainty that’s not desperately sad nor is it comfortably content.  There is surprise at the end of each day that might be described as good; a word that feels strange on my tongue because I am acutely aware of how quickly the demons can creep back in.  

So much emphasis is put on each new year, as though the constructs of the universe and how it is affected by time and space change at the strike of midnight every year on December thirty-first.  We can make the choice to enact change in our lives at any moment on any day of the year.  New year’s resolutions are so often failures because they are a social trend rather than a personal commitment.  It generally takes a subconscious part of us to be ‘ready’ for a major change to take hold in our lives, and it’s somewhat difficult to tell our subconscious to be ready on a specific date.  On the other hand, I am a lover of lists and setting goals is never a bad thing.  

I have a goal, but it has no time constraint.  My goal is to forgive myself.  It’s as though I’m constantly running uphill because I never come close to reaching my own expectations.  Expectations I set before I understood how debilitating my depression can be, how the medications affect my functionality, memory and energy.  In my eyes, I am never enough.  Memories haunt me, they invade every moment of silence, destroying precious opportunities for peaceful gratitude.  It is a symptom of my illness, a struggle to let go and a need to understand the why of everything that has happened.  It is a twisted logic – if I can get to the why I may find my salvation.  But the cracks in my memory and the demons that blur my focus keep me running in circles.  Forgiving myself is a battle against the forces of my illness and a belief I have ingrained within myself of not being enough.  Some days I believe I have the strength to win, or, at least, the will to keep fighting.  Other days aren’t as sparkly.  

Here’s to hoping 2016 has more days of strength and determination, of compassion and self-love, than any year that’s come before!

Forgiveness

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26 thoughts on “Forgiveness

            • I know, it’s a daily struggle I’m quite familiar with. But we are stronger than it and we can rise above most days, especially with friends like each other 😊

              Liked by 1 person

            • I’m sorry darling ((hugs)) look at pictures you like of yourself, ones you’ve happy in! It sounds silly but do it! Transport yourself to those happy memories and the ones coming again soon!

              Liked by 1 person

            • It’s a good thing. I like who I was over there, because she was confident and had barely any time to think about being unloveable, because she was busy being LOVED, yaknow?

              I wish I could translate that to soggy England, but…it’s just not working *sigh* Too much history here, I think. In Murica I got to be precisely who I kinda hoped I could be. Well, in my mind, anyway. Having come back, I see that SHE followed me there, but I didn’t notice her at the time.

              I may have stopped making sense entirely at this point, but YOU are awesome, and *that* makes sense. Thank you ❤

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            • I actually totally get it. that’s how I felt when I moved to California for college, like I got to be whoever I chose to be. a sense of freedom like nothing I’d ever known. moving back to Iowa was the biggest failure to me. so, I get it.

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            • Ok thank goodness. Not that you felt like a failure, but that you understand that I was freer than ever, from that girl. I am told I need to make peace with her, but I just damn well don’t like her and don’t want to. She’s awful and I want nothing to do with her. Still feel like she deserved everything, for being so repugnant and stupid, yet.. ack.

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  1. Forgiving our former self – former can be right up to the just previous moment or decades ago. Can we learn from our mistakes without compassionately forgiving them? “Forgive and forget” is the path of repetition, as in “Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.” That which I call “me” is a moving point in time, not a fixed object. Growth and change are its nature which we resist at a price. Well, thanks for a lovely post. “Thinking is the best way to travel.” (The Moody Blues)

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    • I think we constantly have to forgive ourselves when you are as self-critical as I am. Forgetting is not really an option, as I mentioned, the memories find ways to creep back in. And as you mentioned, without memory of our history we are doomed to repeat it, which is the LAST thing I want to do! Compassionately forgiving oneself is definitely a difficult task, it’s a journey that I hope to make some headway on as the days and months press forward. Thanks for reading, I’m glad you enjoyed the post 🙂

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  2. Forgiveness, the title. There is much to be gained from forgiving, especially the self. That is a great goal. I do not know where I’m at in that regards, still working on self acceptance – one step before forgiveness at times. ❤

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    • Gosh, I’m not even sure I’ve fully accepted myself… but is it even possible? I think it’s more of a balance since we’re always changing and evolving. What do you think?

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      • I feel that I work on accepting parts of me. Gratefulness is applied to more general concepts like “grateful that I can look after myself physically” and is a little difficult to apply wholly to myself.

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