#Weekend Coffee Share: No Rest

This post is inspired by Part-Time Monster’s Weekly Weekend Coffee Share

Weekend Coffee Share

If we were having coffee right now, you must be a really good friend because I am one hot mess.  Yeah, the depression is gnawing at me like an emaciated dog on a meaty bone.  I thought if I just got through the week I could breathe this weekend and try to refuel for the coming week, but I guess it’s true there’s no rest for the wicked.

I woke up to Popi, our one-eyed wonder cat, using his paws under a Weekend Coffee Shareclosed door to bang on the door.  It sounds like someone is breaking in the house.  His way of demanding breakfast and destroying my sleep, which is the only time I am at peace.  Depending how long I can manage to ignore the door pounding he will start the loudest meowing you have ever heard. The only way to stop this behavior is to get up and feed his greedy, selfish kitty-butt.  We do not starve our animals, he still has dry food in his bowl when I go in there, he just can’t wait for that damn wet crap. And it’s not enough that I’ve fed him, after which I promptly get back into bed.  He then starts his campaign to get me out of bed.  He tries (and fails) to gently pat me on the face so I will pet him and ends up scratching my face with his kitty-talons.  Needless to say, this is not how I want to wake up on Saturday morning.

You may be wondering how my birthday was last week.  Honestly, I’m not a fan of my birthday, and it has nothing to do with the number.  I think it stems from many, many years of unmet expectations that I probably never should have had.  Ever since I was in high school I secretly hoped my friends would throw me a party.  Just to know that they cared enough to put the time and effort into planning something and that people liked me enough to show up and celebrate MY birthday.  It never happened in high school or college.  My ‘friends’ threw such parties for other friends of ours.  (This paragraph is getting much longer than I’d planned or wanted, btw)  Point is, I’ve tried not to get my hopes up for my birthday, but even in some teeny tiny way I always do, and every year I’m reminded birthdays suck.  They are just another day in the year that comes and goes.  And it really annoys me to get all of those Facebook ‘Happy Birthday’s’ from people who don’t like, comment or otherwise engage with me any other time of the year.  Ok, rant complete and thank you for listening.

Don’t even get me started on the upcoming holidays.  I moved away from my family to be with my husband, so all of the traditions I grew up with are out the window.  His family could not be more different than mine.  Every year for Thanksgiving we go to my husband’s boss’s house, with my husband’s parents and grandmother, because they put on a feast.  The food is traditional and it’s amazing, so I can’t complain about that.  I do have things I am eternally thankful for, but it’s a double-edged sword when you also wonder daily what the point of living is.  Those unwelcome thoughts that depression so poignantly pushes to the forefront of your psyche make you feel unappreciative and unworthy.  I try to keep the horrible thoughts and unbearable sadness to myself because I don’t want them to hurt for me.  Yet they see it in my distant eyes, hear it in the conversations I don’t participate in, and the laughter I can’t seem to share.

Keep in mind, my lovelies, there’s a good reason the holidays are the hardest time of the year for those suffering from mental illness.  Seeing the happiness and cheer from strangers and loved ones alike, it’s hard.  Wanting desperately to join in and feel the love and joy, yet being unable.  It’s devastating for many.  Good thing it’s the time of year for compassion, try to be extra aware this year ok?

Now, Go Link Up Here with your Weekend Coffee Share so I know what’s going on with you, too!

NanoPoblano2015 | NaBloPoMo15
Day 21

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22 thoughts on “#Weekend Coffee Share: No Rest

  1. *virtual hug*

    I understand your sentiments on birthdays. I’ve had the same struggles with unmet expectations. Got to the point where I just say… To heck with it all… I’m going to do what I enjoy and those who truly love me and want to be there, will be.
    Remember: You are loved!! Your Tiny Pepper community loves you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending lots of good thoughts your way. This time of year is when I always feel my depression more, too, even though I have a wonderful husband and kiddo to spend the holidays with. My extended family family is a difficult one, and between that and the shorter days of wintertime, sometimes it’s difficult. I do love the lights, though, and we have a few cozy traditions that make things calmer.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I loved hearing about your kitty! That’s his picture up there? Such a beautiful cat! We have 2 now, as we lost 2 others to old age this year. 😦 … One of ours Paolo, sounds like yours, the way he wakes me up every single day…he won’t give up begging for the wet food early, way too early in the mornings…and yep, the claws…and the loud meowing…I give up, too and feed him and the other one too. I gripe, but I can’t be mean and ignore him for long. Hope the holidays aren’t too rough for you. Our family has dwindled to only a few, so most traditions are too much trouble to mess with anymore. Sending Peace & Hugs …}I{

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Kitties are something else. My best friend created a monster by feeding her cat deli turkey. Now he expects it.

    Birthdays really are just another day.

    This has never been the most wonderful time of the year. That’s all on that.

    Hugs, Abby.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey Abbie, I’ve loved exploring your blog and am so glad to be part of the Weekend Coffee Share community. Sounds like you have had a rough week (and no offence but your cat sounds very mischievous :D) and I know how difficult it is to live with depression but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts here. It can’t be easy…

    Like

  6. I’m fucked off as HELL because WE DON’T FUCKING EVEN HAVE THANKSGIVING IN ENGLAND and I’m bloody dreading it. Absolutely bloody dreading it. Because all of my people will be off celebrating, or at least distracted with family and friends and feasts and travel, and over here in the wrong geography, I’ll be lonely.

    Hate birthdays too, for slightly different reasons. I feel ya though. *HUGS*

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thanks for the coffee and I always appreciate being able to share at a deeper level and be real. If you were my friend, I would have made you a huge cake or pavlova. So, Happy virtual birthday! xx Rowena

    Liked by 1 person

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