Suspended in air, the spider’s web is a beautiful trap. Often its little insect victims don’t know what happened before they’re all tangled up in sticky silk. A beautiful death trap.
Luckily I am no small insect and there are no hungry spiders in sight. Though I do feel stuck, suspended in limbo. Uncertain of what comes next, what to say or do, how to move forward. There are thoughts swirling around in my head, but if you asked what I was thinking I’d be hard pressed to come up with an answer. Sometimes I just stare off into space and I honestly have no idea what I am or was thinking about. Other times my thoughts are too painful to share.
Did I mention I feel empty? Things that have happened in my life, things that are happening now, they feel distant – like they’re not mine. People keep reminding me that I am loved, that there are people who care about me… but I feel so disconnected from it all. My husband is the only person I feel complete safety with, yet I don’t tell him the things I’m thinking because I fear my depression is already taking a toll on his happiness. He’s told me he would do anything if it would make me happy, if only it worked that way.
The two people, aside from him, that I feel closest to now live as far away as possible from where I live. If I could have had one wish for my birthday it would have been to have Ra and Lizzi all to myself for one weekend. Though I’ve never been a big believer in wishes, especially ones as far-fetched as that one.
Maybe I am like a little insect trapped in a beautifully woven silk web, and I just don’t know what will happen next.