If we were taking a break from work to catch up…
I would tell you that I try not to write these journal-ish posts because I feel like I come off as a complainer, and nobody likes a complainer. I would ask you if you want to know what’s going on in my head (and my life) aside from what I deem publishable? And while you ponder your answer, I’d tell you a bit anyway.
I would tell you that the depression is bad, and I might start crying. It is affecting every aspect of my life and while I’m decent at keeping it to myself it’s really, really hard. I’ve been crying so much that I could probably have a wading pool by now had I collected all my tears.
I would ask if you remember my post about the email I sent my doctor? Well he opted for sedation to calm me down, but it also makes me feel like a deer in headlights. The pain is still there, I still think about it, but my body and mind are kind of numb. It seems like masking the problem rather than finding a solution, but what do I know?
It’s hard to focus at work, which I’m clearly not doing right now. I get easily overwhelmed and then frustrated because I know if my brain weren’t cloudy I could perform the tasks without issue. I’d confess to you that I’ve already hidden in the bathroom and cried once today, and I’d tell you that I don’t know how I’ll make it through the rest of the day.
You would probably say that you didn’t realize things were so bad and I would give you my half smile because I don’t want it to be obvious. I’m afraid to talk too much about my depression with any one person. I’ve learned that friends, even family, reach a point where they just can’t hear it anymore. They feel helpless, or they get overwhelmed by my negativity and sadness. Besides, how many times can you repeat the same thoughts and feelings? This is how depression becomes lonely and isolative, it’s so easy to sink further and further into yourself.
In other news, I’d excitedly tell you that the community I’ve been so eager to find has started to find me 🙂 I’ve met some incredible bloggers lately whom I can’t wait to get to know better. A special shout out to Lizzi Rogers and Hasty Words for their kindness and understanding, they’ve both gone above and beyond (especially for a newbie like me)… Thank you ladies.
Then I would say I have rambled on far too long and I must know all that’s going on with YOU! What’s on your plate right now, taking up the most space in your brain? Are you taking part in NanoPoBlano (or whatever it’s called)? I am and I’m very nervous about it! Your turn…