If We Were Taking A Break From Work

If we were taking a break from work to catch up…

I would tell you that I try not to write these journal-ish posts because I feel like I come off as a complainer, and nobody likes a complainer.  I would ask you if you want to know what’s going on in my head (and my life) aside from what I deem publishable?  And while you ponder your answer, I’d tell you a bit anyway.

I would tell you that the depression is bad, and I might start crying.  It is affecting every aspect of my life and while I’m decent at keeping it to myself it’s really, really hard.  I’ve been crying so much that I could probably have a wading pool by now had I collected all my tears.

I would ask if you remember my post about the email I sent my doctor?  Well he opted for sedation to calm me down, but it also makes me feel like a deer in headlights.  The pain is still there, I still think about it, but my body and mind are kind of numb.  It seems like masking the problem rather than finding a solution, but what do I know?

It’s hard to focus at work, which I’m clearly not doing right now.  I get easily overwhelmed and then frustrated because I know if my brain weren’t cloudy I could perform the tasks without issue.  I’d confess to you that I’ve already hidden in the bathroom and cried once today, and I’d tell you that I don’t know how I’ll make it through the rest of the day.

You would probably say that you didn’t realize things were so bad and I would give you my half smile because I don’t want it to be obvious.  I’m afraid to talk too much about my depression with any one person.  I’ve learned that friends, even family, reach a point where they just can’t hear it anymore.  They feel helpless, or they get overwhelmed by my negativity and sadness.  Besides, how many times can you repeat the same thoughts and feelings?  This is how depression becomes lonely and isolative, it’s so easy to sink further and further into yourself.

In other news, I’d excitedly tell you that the community I’ve been so eager to find has started to find me 🙂 I’ve met some incredible bloggers lately whom I can’t wait to get to know better.  A special shout out to Lizzi Rogers and Hasty Words for their kindness and understanding, they’ve both gone above and beyond (especially for a newbie like me)… Thank you ladies.

Then I would say I have rambled on far too long and I must know all that’s going on with YOU!  What’s on your plate right now, taking up the most space in your brain?  Are you taking part in NanoPoBlano (or whatever it’s called)?  I am and I’m very nervous about it!  Your turn…

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17 thoughts on “If We Were Taking A Break From Work

  1. Hello 🙂

    You are such a wonderful writer!

    You express yourself so eloquently!

    I have been very depressed and got over it. I know it is not easy but certainly possible 🙂

    I feel you are right about it being “isolative” because all of us have limited amount of energies. Being in company of positive people heals us faster 🙂

    Have you tried these two things with faith? I find they work very well :

    1. Rhythmic breathing techniques:

    { I don’t know where you live. Else I would recommend you to join some art of living program and learn rhythmic breathing or I would share one technique I invented which cured my anxiety and depression about 12 years ago! }

    2. Help others selflessly:

    I know that is difficult when you are suffering yourself–but have some faith and start helping those who are worse off–physically, financially or emotionally. Even small acts of kindness will help heal you rapidly and they are much better than therapy I feel.

    Love and light ❤

    Anand 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much! I do believe that being surrounded by positive people is helpful. I am in the 10-30% of major depression sufferers that is treatment-resistant, so my path to recovery has been a very difficult one. I will take your advice to heart and try it out, thank you again!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey there! Is it break time already? I guess I have been at work nearly four hours. Awesome. I’m so tired, though. I should probably avoid new coffee, but I won’t. It’s so yummy.
    I’m not officially doing nano poblano (or whatever it is called) but I am trying my own spin on the idea. We’ll see how it goes.
    I’m sorry the depression has been bad recently and I hope you find some relief soon. I’m glad you’ve found lizzi and hasty – they are amazing.
    I hope your day picks up from here.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks, Matt! You’re part of that community too ya know! I’m heading home soon, apparently I am not “perky” enough at work today and since I can’t explain “my depression is bad today” they’re just sending me home – unpaid sick time. Hopefully tomorrow will be better…

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  3. Your story makes me so frustrated (even more than usual) with the US healthcare system. Mental health has a HUGE bearing on physical health and it seems to just get pushed aside unless it can be treated with a pill. You, not just rich people, DESERVE social support from trained professionals! GRRRR….That said, have you tried any sort of meditation techniques. Sometimes being able to take your mind to a different state when you’re feeling troubled can help. And know that your loved ones DO want you to cry on their shoulder even if they don’t know how to respond.

    Liked by 1 person

    • When you are using shout-y words on my behalf I know you truly care 🙂 though I’ve known for quite awhile in all honesty. We’ve built a strong friendship in the past few years, you even saw a good chunk of my “remission” days. I know it’s hard on those who knew the less-depressed version of me to have watched my decent and struggle to hold on. Thank you for your unwavering friendship, which is so much more than I ever could have hoped for. I am so grateful. I haven’t forgotten about the surprise I promised, I’ve just been slower with my follow through than I’d like to admit, but don’t give up on me (or the surprise)! xoxo

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  4. Ugh. Depression. I’m waging my own war with it now. Mine isn’t the crying all the time kind (though, I’ve experienced that kind, too). Right now, it’s the what’s the friggin’ point kind. It’s good that you’re talking about it. Depression hates when you talk about it. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’ve had a lot of the “what’s the friggin’ point” kind of depression too, my friend. It’s an awful place to be and I’m so sorry you are living there right now. I still don’t know what the point is, everyone tells me that’s the depression talking, but that does not make me feel any better. If we really only get this one life then depression does (and has done) a lot of talking for me, so when do my thoughts and feelings get a say? And when do I get to live life the way I want to live it? Apparently I have little to no say in the matter, hence, what IS the point? See, you’re not alone Goldy… mine just comes with a side of crying all the time 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I too know this “what is the point” feelings. But I usually remember to tell myself that is depression talking, it’s not me, it’s not real. It’s difficult, because it’s not easy to dispute those feelings, when it’s the only thing you feel. There is no easy answer, it is very personal and very debilitating. We have an understanding of your situation and we still love and care for you. Let that be enough to positively influence you.

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  5. We can just sit here and I will hug you or hold your hand for a while. Know that i care for you and despise the isolation I’ve been feeling too. I pulled an all-nighter on Tuesday to get a job finished for Wednesday, worked 20 hours straight, got home at 6am had 2 hours sleep and then worked another long day. When I got picked up at 6am this morning, I had managed about 7.5 hours sleep over 48 hours. I enjoyed napping while my friend drove us 800km across country today to Melbourne. And I think of you every day, knowing there is little I can do from afar other than let you know I think of you with love and care. Hugs from 13 hours in the future xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your kindness and compassion never ceases to amaze me, Pete. Whatever you are going through you always make space in your heart for me, I can’t tell you how dear that is to me. I hope I provide the same support for you, good friends are hard to find – even when you have to search in the future/past for them 😉

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      • You are wonderful A. it doesn’t matter what i’m going thru, you support me and I probably offer the same in return. I am currently in a different city, sharing a hotel room with great friends who understand me and care for me, while we all attend a geeky gaming convention. It’s not easy for me, life rarely is, but I am enjoying myself like I rarely do and taking each moment as it comes. Know that you are in my thoughts every day, you are loved, you are cared for. Write my name down, and remember all this when you are struggling, which I know is often. I care for you. Others do too. But I know myself, and I know our connection is real and helpful both ways. And I think this is what is important. xx

        Liked by 1 person

  6. People who don’t have it can’t realize it. That actually makes me happy for them, even though it still hurts. I’m glad you are finding comfort in te community. hugs…and a never-ending hope that you have peace.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’m so sorry to read that in response to you reaching out to your doctor, you got drugs that make you fuzzy. I don’t know what the answer is but it seems like that’s not it. I’m not doing NanoPomo but am doing Nanowrimo – if you’re interested in that one, buddy me (I’m kristi0822 there).
    I hope today brings you some sunshine and relief.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. If we were taking a break…

    I’d listen and nod and give you a really big hug. Then I’d thank you for sharing tell you I’ll always have an ear for you if you need it, give you one more giant hug and then we would commiserate on the slight terror of posting every day for thirty days!

    Liked by 1 person

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