An honestly honest conversation with a true friend via text.

A:             do you have time to answer a question?

J:             sure whats up

A:    you’ve known me longer than pretty much anyone and you’ve watched like 98% of my friendships fail, you’ve also always been honest with me about shit. I’m trying to understand things about myself, this is one of them… am I a bad friend? honestly.

J:    i think you’re a great friend. you’re negativity rules tho. sometimes it’s hard to handle.

A:    so you think that is the friendship destroyer? the neg

J:    i can’t think of anything else. ur not selfish. ur not cruel. ur honest. u don’t steal. ur fucking hilarious. ur fun. ur creative and sensitive and passionate. uv got a REALLY good heart.

ur a good listener

u give good advice

uv got amazing lips and eyes and an ass

i mean

A:             you don’t think I’m selfish?

J:            nope

            u get consumed w ur own bullshit

but selfish? No

A:             I’m going to put my all into cognitive behavioral therapy

learn everything I can, live and breathe it, weekly sessions

J:             good! what relationships just failed

 

A:            Blah Blah

Blah Blah Blah

Blah

J:            like recently?

A:            no

J:            oh i meant recently

like what brought this on

A:   these are things that cause me to feel like a failure, I’m trying to find the root of this feeling, why its my deepest self hating feeling

friendships are one aspect

it’s more than failure, it’s “I’m not enough” that’s the cognitive aspect that has to change

it’s deeply ingrained

like a broken record that I can’t stop playing in my mind

J:            but you are enough A

you’re a beautiful BEAUTIFUL person

you don’t think ur enough, so you become that

i know its much easier for me to say than to do….but…all you have to do is change your mind

you are stronger than your mind

you are stronger than ur faults

and weaknesses

A:   it’s something rooted deep in my psyche at this point, it’s subconscious, I have to learn how to recognize the triggers, how to neutralize the triggers and eventually eliminate them

J:            what a fun challenge

i believe in you

A:            I love you and thank you

it’ll be one hell of a fucking fight man

this goes back to how my sister tormented me when we were children man

our brains are crazy things dude, incredible things

J:            i know

A:            I kinda hate mine 

J:            ur brain?

A:            yes

J:            she’s definitely a twisted bitch, but u can tame her. i know u can. 

A:            you have a way with words my dearest lol

J:            : ]

*Certain names have been protected with initials or “blah’s” for purposes of anonymity